Since the dawn of civilization mankind has endured a horror of such magnitude that just the phrase alone can cast goosebumps and cause the shivering of the spine. Older Brother.
If you are lucky enough, blessed enough, one of the few chosen to be free from the tyranny of the older brother, than read no further, but for those of you less fortunate souls, like myself, the list below will not only prove valuable, it may save your life.
Five Signs Your Older Brother Is Plotting Your Demise:
5. He is in your room. An older brother will never under any circumstances set foot in your room, unless it is to place booby traps, steal something of yours, or cause you pain. If you open your door and he is in there, don’t be a hero. Get out and get our fast.
4. He asks you for the name of your best friend. Realize now my fellow younger brothers, there is never a time your older brother is really interested in your existence, unless it is to find a way to humiliate you. In the event he suddenly starts asking questions about your friends or that special girl in your class that makes you giggle just when you look at her, he is plotting something evil. Silence is best, but if you must speak, make up names. Never, ever, tell him the real names of your friends.
3. He sits next to you. Someone once said, “keep your friends close and your enemies closer.” They must not have had an older brother. Nothing good can come from being close to him. At some point, whether it’s on the couch watching T.V. or the restaurant eating a hamburger, he will mess with you. It’s inevitable.
2. He has suddenly taken an interest in torture devices. If you find him online researching torture devices or engineering in general, be very, very careful. Sure, it may look like Legos are harmless, but anything that can be built by an older brother, can potentially be a torture device for a younger kid.
1. He is being nice to you. There is no greater sign than when your mean, nasty, awful brother suddenly smiles when looking at you and in the nicest of tones says, “Hey champ. I’m so lucky to have you as a brother. Why don’t you come over here.” If your older brother utters those words or words eerily similar, Run. Run as fast as you can and never look back. The life you save, will be your own.
A Worm Named Hank 