Friends, Colleagues, and Peers,
I write this message in the gravest of situations. I have been discovered snooping in my older brother Todd’s room. If you have read my first book, you are well aware of the horrors that lay before me within the confines of my older brothers nasty, disgusting, room, but I tell you, I had no choice. Todd had stolen five dollars from me.
Oh sure, five dollars may not sound like enough money to risk one’s very life for, but along with my two super friends, Sue and Isaac, we had saved nearly enough money to go to Disco Night at Speed Demons Skating Rink. We were exactly five dollars short.
I had begged my mom, promised I would do anything for five dollars and the chance to visit the fastest indoor skating rink known to man. You see, Speed Demons boasts what is known in the world of kiddom as “The Vavoom.” The Vavoom is a special platform at least twenty stories high containing a ramp that propels you at the speed of light onto the skating rink below.
It has been said that Lance Jastovian, a 5th grader from Florida once climbed to the top of The Vavoom and wearing nothing, but a pair of underwear, a helmet, and his roller skates, thrust himself down The Vavoom with such speed that he disintegrated leaving only streaks of fire where his skates had scorched the floor.
There are few things that entice a kid more than the idea of actually moving fast enough to disintegrate. Now, I’m not too thrilled about the idea of skating in just my underwear, but we are talking about the chance of disintegration here people, so I’m down, plus it’s Disco Night and that means the lights will be turned down way low.
I was finally able to wear my mom down through a scheme of constant begging that would have made a table scrap dog proud and she released five dollars from her purse handing it over to me, completing the necessary funds for our ride on The Vavoom.
Of course, I made a huge mistake that every younger brother in the history of younger brothers has made time and time again before me. Rather than call a secret service agent armed with two bazookas and a samurai sword to guard my money, I hid it in my room. Ohhh, I should have known better! Older Brother’s can smell money from a hundred yards away and Todd is no different.
Within mere minutes of hiding my crisp wad of cash, Todd had infiltrated my room and discovered my hiding spot (in my pillowcase) and like the low life thief that he is, he took my money and ran.
I gave chase, but he bolted to his bedroom faster than a super sonic Air Force jet and by the time I got there, the door was locked.
Moments later he emerged from his lair and promised to break my nose if I so much as took one step into his hideous room. I went to my room, sulking, believing I was defeated. I wasn’t in my room long before I had made up my mind and knew that the only course of action was to gain entry into Todd’s lair. I had to get my money back!
I won’t go into more detail on my plan, as I’m running out of time. Let’s just say that I was in Todd’s room for less than a minute, I had almost passed out from the smell, when I was discovered.
And here is why I am writing, I am currently being sat on while Todd eats a gigantic bowl of beans. I fear this may be the end of me.
Death by Fart.
A Worm Named Hank 